Stuff I cannot do

This is not an entirely original idea for a post, I realise. It has been done, and probably much better, by many others. But I have been rather lax of late, work being rather hectic, at posting at all. I had a couple of half-thought out posts in mind - one about memories, one about people who have influenced me.

But I decided that was a crock of old shit, so instead, here is a list of stuff I can't do. I should point out it's not an exhaustive list as there are probably many thousands of things I didn't know anybody could do, let alone me, so I will stick to the regulation 10-point list.
Here goes.

1. Draw. While creative in many respects, ask me to do a little picture of anything and it turns out looking like a badly-drawn pile of rubbish. This seems to me to be highly unfair, as my mum dabbled as an artist for some time (she was pretty good), and my brother and sister have both demonstrated a fair degree of talent. This appears to be one area where I take after my father.

2. Reach and link my hands behind my back, in the style of the Cow's Head Pose in yoga. Even in my most bendy and flexible days when I was doing gymnastics and all sorts, I could never do this.

3. Lie convincingly. Bit of a pain this one as it can land me in all sorts of bother when all that is needed is a little white lie. But being the forthright, outspoken type, I find it very hard to tell an untruth without giving off all kinds of lie signals.

4. Understand the rules of cricket. To be fair, I have never tried, but tell me the score of a game (or do they call them matches?) and I literally wouldn't know which side was winning. This is one failing I feel I can quite easily make my peace with.

5. Belch on demand. But then, why would I want to? I am, after all, a lady.

6. Play a musical instrument and sing at the same time. I've always wanted to be able to accompany myself singing, it's why I learnt to play the piano and why I tried to learn the guitar. But with the piano, I have great difficulty even thinking about the fact that two hands are operating INDEPENDENTLY of each other, let alone singing beautifully over the top. And I'm just not very good at the guitar at all.

7. Juggle three balls. I can just about manage it with scarves - the extra time in the air allows my brain to work out where I need to put my hands, but if you give me anything that moves a bit faster, I just lose it. My dad, on the other hand, can juggle five balls or three fire clubs and do tricks and passing and all sorts. He used to perform at fetes and everything.

8. Ride a motorcycle. I mean, I don't know for sure, I've never tried. But after watching Ewan Mcgregor *uncontrollable drooling starts up again* dropping his motorbike repeatedly on that round the world bike trip he did, I'm pretty sure I would fail at this.

9. Fly any kind of aircraft. Again, never been up in a real one. But I did fly in an aircraft simulator once (used to know a BA pilot who was being trained to train people in them and needed some guineapigs). I was supposed to do a short flight over a simulated New York City. And, err, I crashed into the World Trade Centre. So I'm pretty sure about my inability to do this one.

10. Surf. I've tentatively tried this a few times and fallen off in a suitably embarrassing fashion. But given time and training from a Patrick Swayze lookalike surf dude, I reckon I could do this one.

So there you have it. Next time - stuff I can do.
More on that story later.