In which Frangelita learns rather more about "studs" than desired

Ever wondered about the genesis of the expression stud in reference to a rather attractive young man?

A short trip to the National Stud (alas, nowhere near as exciting as it sounds) over the Easter weekend has given me a fairly detailed understanding of how stud stallions spread the love - and more importantly, their seed.

Our journey into the dark and murky world of mares who pay for sex with stallions began, innocuously enough, on a tour bus full of happy families and horse lovers (behave) of all descriptions.

And, despite some rather unwelcome rain, it continued rather pleasantly with a visit to some very cute foals with spindly wee legs, gallivanting in paddocks with their mothers.

It was not until we reached one ominous-looking barn that the truth about horse sex emerged.

Now these stallions were pretty hot stuff - Classic-winning thoroughbreds. So as you might expect, you have to pay through the nose for a roll in the hay (yes, really) with these stud-muffins. To have your mare "covered" by the finest piece of stallion ass in the place will cost a cool £10,000.

The nice gentleman guide took us through the whole procedure - still, rather bewilderingly, calling the act of horse sex "covers". Stallions are apparently limited to 100 "covers" in a season - they have special little diaries with morning, lunchtime and afternoon sex slots.

100 different partners! Per shagging season!

Onto the act itself - many of the mares apparently have "foals at foot" and it would be too disturbing for them to be separated during the sex act. So it is considered in everyone's best interest for foal to watch mummy being boffed by a new stallion. Now in the human world, I'm pretty sure that would be called child abuse - there's definitely something wrong there...

And how long do you get with your hunk in hooves? The act itself lasts between 30 seconds and 1 minute. But if a scan shows you aint preggers, you get two more "covers" and if you still aren't up the duff, you get your money back.

As for the tricks of the trade, well, the mare has to wear some frightening-looking hoof-covers, just in case she doesn't like the cut of his jib and lashes out during the act. The lady is not forgotten either, she gets to wear a massive, thick, ridged coat in case the horny beggar gets a bit bitey.

More bewildering - a strange looped device used to tug on the mare's lip if she's not in the mood to make her more docile (something to do with pheromones? Should have listened harder).

*note to self - when feeling angry/stressed/not up for it, will try trick of tugging on lip*

Now these mares are divided into two camps - the "walk-ins" (think of this as a one-night stand, mare comes in, gets the business, doesn't stay the night) and those who stay in to give birth (now that could be construed, in some circumstances, as overstaying your welcome, not that she gets any more action off the stallion unless the "covering" was unsuccessful).

So, guys, fancy being a stud? Make sure you've won a few races, (egg and spoon probably not expected) and you're up for impregnating up to four women a day, step up. Think about it, all you need to do is last for a minute, tops, and you don't ever have to call her.

Of course, there is some performance pressure - if your swimmers aren't up to scratch, you don't get the cash.

Any takers?

More on that story later.