Surefire weight loss tips

I've been thinking about this. There are a few surefire ways to lose weight fairly rapidly. See what you think.

1. Get a tapeworm - this may prove extremely bad for health but you will definitely lose weight as the worm eats all your food. I understand they're quite common in undercooked pork (of course, you might die of some other gastric ailment)
   
2. Develop some kind of vomiting sickness - if you're throwing up all your food you can hardly hang onto the calories but again, a fair chance of permanent damage.
   
3. Go to prison - this even worked for porky Bridget Jones. Of course, the incessant buggery, malnutrition, lack of vitamins and exercise probably won't make it too pleasant a stay.
   
4. Go to hospital - apparently hospital food is so rancid, you just can't eat any of it.
   
5. Amputation - I nicked this idea off someone else's blog, but for a limb you would lose a couple of stone in one fell swoop, who cares if you're a bit hobbly afterwards.
   
6. Suffer paralysis of the alimentary canal - meaning you physically can't eat and have to be fed through a tube - you're hardly going to overeat, are you.
   
7. Give birth - the disadvantage to this is that while you do lose an awful lot of weight very quickly, you have to pork out quite a bit first
   
8. Row the atlantic (I saw James Cracknell and Ben Fogle after they did it, and it definitely works)
   
9. Ride a heavy motorbike around the world (I saw Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman do this - he lost about four stone)
   
10. Only eat what you can kill and grow - this would be particularly effective for me as my growing/hunting area is a small barren area of concrete and I'm too much of a wuss to kill anything (other than cheating boyfriends, but I obviously wouldn't eat them)
    
11. Walk around carrying your bodyweight in stones (or some other similar thing) - I read this in some fantasy book but I'm 100 per cent convinced of its efficacy.
    
12. Stop eating altogether - but where's the fun in that?
    

Hmm, most of these are really not very appealing. Actually I would quite like to row the atlantic, but I get knackered after 15 minutes on the rowing machine (no actual water, much less the freezing atlantic) so I'm pretty sure I would die. I also used to like the idea of being the youngest woman to climb Everest, but seeing as I don't climb and I don't have £25,000 it's probably never going to happen.

On a continued weight loss theme, Celebrity FAT club's Mick Quinn (apparently some footballer) opened a gym near us today. He said it was going 'well' but wouldn't tell us how much he had lost before tomorrow's fit camp weigh-in. Shameful. I did take heart that all of this year's fat celebrities are actually fatter than me.

So having thought long and hard about the above surefire weight-loss tip, I think I'm going to stick with eating less and doing more. I'm still listening to the hypnotist man, btw, but instead of feeling all this inner radiance and confidence and seeing the weight melting away and not thinking about food at all, I'm finding it so damn hard to figure out if I'm hungry or not I'm thinking about food even more! Hmmmm. Well, Friday week I'm going to step on the scales again so if I hear good news, I'll stick with it. I mean, it can't hurt. And I'm not ready for any of the measures above (which, obviously, I do not recommend).

Keep thinking thin thoughts.